Hard To Let Go

Letting go is always easier said than done.  It turns out I wasn't merely expecting things or truths regarding my personal success, beauty and happiness.  I was desperately clinging, white knuckles and all, to the idea I had in my head that created pictures of prosperity in these three facets of my life.  Before I could begin to assess my present states of the above or define a path for their future growth I first had to pry my sweaty, panicked grasp open to let them breathe.  I hadn't realized how lost I'd become in society's suggestion of a fulfilled life so that I was choking down opportunities for massive personal growth within myself.     

In order to let go of certain expectations that weren't true of me presently or didn't fit into the direction I wanted to lead my life I decided to very clearly identify what my expectations were, which ones needed to be discarded, and which ones I could expand on.  Once I had opened up my clenched fist of beliefs and uncrinkled the writing I wasn't even sure what I had been holding onto in the first place...  Turns out stereotypes and mass socialization will do that to you.  They'll confuse you into feeling that in order to be accepted by your peers you must fit into the popular American lifestyle.  Now I am not blaming society, pop culture, magazines, television commercials, music, and celebrity icons.  I'm simply suggesting that by growing up in the American culture it is impossible not to fall into some part of the main flow, even if it's just a little stream flowing to some obscure destination.

So, the big one of these three for me was the idea of success.  I strove to be successful in college, and I work hard at being successful in the work place, and in my relationships with friends and family, in my personal life with saving money for a house and paying back student loans.  Being successful is important to me, by far it's the main stress in my life... because on the flip side of success is failure, and in my mind it's hard to find any middle ground.  How to you become mildly successful? Or of medium success? It really boils down to not good enough, not number one, not successful, it's a failure of whatever magnitude I deem applicable.  Ick.  I hate that word...failure.  But then, who decides if you fail?  Who originally told me what a failure was and how did I continue developing that definition over the years? What is this fear of failing? 

Successful to me means that in life I want to have lots of things...not an amassing of junk or materialistic items that are without use or necessity.  I want a house, property, horses, and dogs.  I also want a family, a husband for sure and maybe a well behaved child.  I want to have a healthy financial status, not living paycheck to paycheck - with student loans being paid off as soon as possible and savings toward that future house.  I want to be recognized as being excellent with horses and be able to be an effective teacher and trainer.  I want to have a happy marriage, and before that a happy relationship.  I want good relationships with all my friends and family.  I want to have an additional equine related certification (Parelli Professional, Centered Riding, Aria, etc). I want to be secure in life - money, love, status...Not necessarily in that order.  Growing up it was made clear that I was expected to go to college and that I needed a degree to have success in a career where I could make lots of money.  It was always an underlying theme that though money couldn't buy you happiness, it did make life easier and you were a success if you brought home a fat paycheck.  Money = Success... That's an underlying theme to my (old) ideas of success.  Successful people had successful marriages and good kids.  Successful people are happy.  Successful people are the best kind because they're not failures.  Success is closely linked to "Suppose to"...supposed to go to school, supposed to get a good job, supposed to have a happy marriage, supposed to have kids, etc, etc.


The next peg is beauty.  Beauty = Flawless.  But when I look in the mirror and I see flaws, what do I do? In my mind beauty has so many facets.  Inner beauty, personality, spirituality, someone's heart.  Outer beauty is thin, perfect teeth, fit, long nice hair, tan, balanced features, curves in all the right places (and that certainly excludes the curve of a muffin top!).  It's all around in magazines, on TV, lyrics in songs, growing up with competition between girls in school to be the prettiest and have the most attractive boyfriend, and by men feeding that fire.  How do you simply accept who you are? How do you overcome the fears of judgment from yourself and others? Why is my mirror an essential part of my day? Why do I have to make sure I look pretty to go to certain places such as work or out on the town? What denotes a day when it's okay to just look like me and a day when I have to paint my face on?

And finally, happiness. Happiness is what happens when you are beautiful and successful, right?  I always feel like I'll be happier when I'm thinner.  Happier when I have more money.  Happier when my relationships are going perfect.  Happier when I find the man of my dreams and I get married.  Happier when I have certain things, toys, animals, etc.  I felt that my happiness had to be affected by external factors and that if I could be successful in the things I mentioned before, plus get in shape and look better, than how could I not be happy? If I wasn't happy I was failing at something.... And in some cases if I wasn't happy it was because I "had" to be doing something, like enduring a job for an awful employer.  My job ate away at me, day by day, until I couldn't leave my work and work and I'd take the stress home with me.  I'd be stressed, angry, would lose sleep, and sometimes be in tears of frustration.  I stayed there for over 3 years because I thought I had to.  Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do... And while that holds true for somethings it should never hold true for things that are consuming your happiness. 

"Happiness is an inside job. Happiness is not nearly as dependent on outside factors as our expectations have led us to believe." - Molly from Stratejoy.com 

I've still got to do some thinking on how I would like to redefine success, beauty, and happiness for myself - the big change being that the redefined themes should be healthy ones that apply to me based on the positive truths of my life.


While I begin shaping new definitions of the 'big three' I will also be working on developing some much needed inspiration and motivation!

Let the Inspiration Spark