The last thing in life I want to be known for is procrastinating...well maybe that's not the last thing I want to be known for. Surely there are worse things than taking forever to accomplish something, right? But when you live your life on a secret time line, such as mine, where every hour of every day counts for something then procrastinating is your worst enemy, it's the monster in my closet. I hate the idea of putting things off, I know I'm motivated by success and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with actually doing things not thinking about doing them. I have a knack for coming up with great ideas, even starting them, and then I fade away in the middle - not really sure where to take it, how to go about finishing it. I love finishing projects, unless it leaves me with an uncertain "now what?" at the end. If I feel that even if a project is worth it but it has a "now what?" ending I can't even muster the strength to keep going. I hate being plan-less! And what am I right now? Yes, you may have guessed it, I am plan-less!
My self assigned projects were to redefine my ideas of success, beauty, and happiness as well as begin to find ways to inspire myself, self motivate, and in general become a winner in my own life. What I've done so far is come up with a lot of half ideas, thoughts I wasn't ready to commit to, and an inkling that perhaps I'm an indecisive person...maybe... and that might be why I have trouble making up my mind...sometimes. So, after all this, I haven't really accomplished much besides my daily routine of work, sleep, and obsessively pondering (yet not quite acting) on developing a future for myself.
I recently had two more moles removed, the first one being taken via two surgeries last fall, and two more taken a couple weeks ago. The first was diagnosed as borderline melanoma, the second two were just 'atypical', whatever that means. I have been struggling to think about anything else besides my skin. Every time I go outside I think about deadly rays from the sun, when I shower I stare at all my moles trying to decide which ones are new and which ones are changing, when I'm on my computer I read about cancer statistics and holistic remedies to treating it, when I'm by myself I fear death and when I'm around others I feel the need to hide all that from them so no one feels sorry for me. This whole situation has been consuming my life, eating away at me, and seriously throwing me into procrastination mode because I can't find it in me to motivate to do anything.
I know I need to, right now, come up with some measurable goals that I can work towards and complete to help me get back on track to creating my best life, enjoying it while I have it, and making the most out of each day. So, my first goal is to commit to writing about my redefined images of success, beauty, and happiness by the end of the weekend. My second goal is to write down all the things I don't like in my life or about my life and resolve to change them, also by the end of the weekend. By not procrastinating, and actually doing things I will create small bricks of success that will build towards a positive and inspired way to living. Not an incredibly insightful entry here, but at last, an update on why I don't have anything new to update anyone on.
"To know another's reality is to understand their perspective." - Samantha Thorning (Yes, I came up with that myself. :)
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